i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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