Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
