Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
