and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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