I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
