omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
