How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
