I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
