We're like a lot better than the average bears
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
