please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
