i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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