You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
