Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
