need another drink. this is the easiest way
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
