he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
