So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
