lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
