ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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