I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
