well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
