im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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