I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
