you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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