My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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