i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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