I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
