I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
