Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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