I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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