well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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