The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
