Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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