My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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