If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
