i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
