how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
