I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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