I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
