I think I am morally bankrupt
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
vagina is talking i cant
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
