I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
