There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
