i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So much Jack, so little girl.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
