The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
