I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
