I met the friendliest cop last night
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
