Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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