I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
