the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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