So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
