Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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