i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
