a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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