i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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