So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
